Thursday, August 19, 2010

Back up on my feet again

You know when you've been working really hard, and have a lot that needs to happen, and you absolutely cannot get sick now because if you do nothing will ever be done? And so you don't get sick, and work through late nights and stressful times, and then finally you have a break. And you relax, and take a breath. And then promptly you get sick. Or is that just me?

At the very least, that was me Sunday through yesterday, felled by some sort of unpleasant stomach bug. I did get out of bed and go into work for a bit yesterday, as I had a demo and a meeting, but I still was thoroughly not up to par. So these pictures are from today, the first day I've felt (mostly) normal.

Dress: Xhilaration, thrifted. Tank top (underneath): Express. Shoes: Naturalizers, thrifted. Earrings: handmade.

Also, this dress now appears desperately wrinkled from being sat down in at a desk most of the day. Oops.

I don't have very much else to say, today. I'm quite behind on my blog reading and commenting, which is sad because I like seeing what everyone I know in blogworld is up to. I've just been in bed, reading historical fiction and sleeping. And not wanting to eat, which is completely foreign to me and really quite disturbing. My day tends to be marked out by meals, for better or for worse. I know the cycles of my stomach and generally, in my conscious and subconscious mind, am aware of when I'm next going to eat. Heck, my regularity with mealtimes (and complete awareness of when I need lunch NOW, please) is a bit of a joke around the lab. But this week, I just haven't felt like eating. And that makes me feel like I'm inhabiting someone else's body.

The really terrifying thing, though? The awareness that I had, for a few moments, that I lost a little weight...and labeling that, in my mind, a "good thing." No, it's not a good thing if I lose a few pounds because of sickness and dehydration and not wanting to eat more than saltines for a couple of days. But it's scary to me to see that little voice in my head could pop up and be pleased at how little food it took to satisfy me for a day. I've never had disordered eating behaviors, thanks to a strong love of food. But I've definitely gone through periods of trouble with my own body image and self-confidence, times when I wanted a metabolism that would be easily satisfied with small amounts of food eaten on occasion, rather than one that demands (and relishes) my regular mealtimes. I certainly need to get back to my workout routine, yes. I need to make sure I'm eating primarily food that is healthy and good for me and nutritious. I prefer when I'm strong, I prefer when I'm eating food that gives me energy and fills me up for a while rather than just the quick burst of a sugar high. But I also have a sweet tooth, and some curves, and a personality/metabolism that enjoys the process of preparing and eating tasty food. I do really like my body, I think. (I hate that my impulse is to qualify that, water it down with the "I think"! Are we not allowed to say we like our bodies?) So...I do. I like my body quite a bit. And I will be glad when it's over fully being sick.

I suppose I did have a bit to say, after all...

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